I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
