so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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