are you still at the devil's house?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
