Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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