i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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