bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
