Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
