I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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