can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
