He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
