I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
