I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
