Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
