i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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