apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
