You can't special order awesome
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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