It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
