Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
