carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
