Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
