listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
