I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize