I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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