Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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