You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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