He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize