some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize