Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
