you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
