That's intense
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize