I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He shit in the fireplace
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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