That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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