Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
