You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize