The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
