he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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