Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
