i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
