Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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