Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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