My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
