My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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