Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
