I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your penis caused this!
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