the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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