It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
