Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
