Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
