she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize