he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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