I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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