i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
