Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
