Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
