i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
