So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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