we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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